I was 13 years old when I considered killing myself. I know I am hardly alone in this regard, being a teenager generally sucks for everyone, but middle school was particularly rough on me. My school required uniforms, white collared shirts and blue shorts/pants. It was a particularly rough financial period for my family and I have always been a tough person to buy clothes for. So not only was I a fat kid, I was a fat kid with grease stained shirts and very short blue shorts. In other words: a perfect target. My 8th grade year I had zero friends, hung out in the library and tried not to stand out anymore than I naturally did. I would go on the school computers, open up the Paint program and draw digital representations of me killing other students, myself and scenes of war. If this was a few years later in post-Columbine days, I might have been expelled or arrested.
Instead I became more and more isolated in school. I had a GPA of 0.29 my first semester. 6 F's and 2 D's. I had a couple of friends older than me in high school so after school who I could go play video games with them, but from 9:30-3 I hated my life. I truly have no idea what would of happened if I hadn't asked my mother one day after school "Does it hurt to stab yourself?" My mom didn't respond, so I elaborated in a manner I prefer not to share. She stopped the car almost immediately and told me not to ever talk like that again, that she loved me and that it hurt her very badly to hear me talk like that. Then she bought me a Jumbo Jack, because apparently life lessons are more easily digested with loads of trans fats and refined sugars.
I love my Mom.
I never thought about offing myself again. Because I knew the impact it would have on those I loved.
Today I caught shit on Twitter for labeling suicide "selfish" in the wake of Junior Seau's suicide. I'm trying to deal with Seau's death. To understand number 55's influence on a boy growing up in 1990's San Diego, you only need know that I will never have to look up how to spell his name. He is as big a part of my childhood as Tony Gwynn, Bill Clinton or Michael Jackson. Today he shot himself in the chest and died alone in Oceanside, where he grew up and played high school football. He IS San Diego. He IS the San Diego Chargers. And he was selfish for taking that away from everyone who loved him.
Four years ago I was working at a Fishing Tackle/Gun Store. I hadn't done a play in a while, I didn't have any dedication to getting better as an actor and wasn't motivated enough to get out and try. I thought being an actor would maybe happen, but I was likely to end up running a Sportfishing boat, a highly unappealing but easy scenario.
Then my friend Jeff, one of the funniest, most talented and awesome people I had ever met shot himself in the head. It's hard for me to understand Jeff's impact on me. He once duct taped me to a chair in a playful mutiny against me, his stressed out lighting designer. We spent an awful lot of time together. We once talked our way out of a surefire DUI for him, in a car with no registration or insurance. Then, this being the BFB era (Before Facebook), we hadn't spoke for a while. He had gone to New York, to perform and be awesome. I had stayed in San Diego, to sell Springfield 1911s and cut Albacore. When he died, I felt like he had taken something special from the world. Out of everyone I met up through college there were 4-5 people I thought were going to "make it" and make a living entertaining people. I was one. Jeff was another. Losing him made me feel like I was wasting what I had learned and the only talent I had been born with. I went back to class. I auditioned. I worked at my favorite theatre in the world and got on TV. Jeff would have done better. He was a star.
Selfishness is defined thus:
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
You can decide for yourself if Suicide falls under this definition. For me it does. I'm not attacking the ones I have known or you have known who have done it, but it is an inherently selfish act and one way to prevent it is to understand that fact. Maybe if Junior or Jeff would of thought about those who loved them they would still be with us. Our world would of been better with them here.
I would of gladly told them the same thing. Or bought them a Jumbo Jack.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
KONY 2012 and why it bothers me.
Being a cynical person can be a lonely existence. Such is the case for me amongst this whole Kony 2012 campaign. First of all, twitter peeps, this has nothing to do with the fact I sometimes appear on TV. TV may be the only reason why I have as many people follow me as I do, but I've had these same feelings about many viral causes that have come and gone dating back to when I was filleting Albacore and selling shoes for money. The only difference now is that I can make a lot more people despise me. I'm a guy who hates getting invitations through facebook, generally can't stand social media's attempt to make me build a virtual farm, slaughterhouse, or castle, and loathes when the masses gather around a cause most never bothered to learn anything about until it was all over the goddamned Internet and their favorite celebrity chef retweeted it.
It is through this distorted, mangled lens that I view the Kony campaign. Do I believe that Joseph Kony is a horrid excuse for a human being that should be doomed to the 12 circles of hell and have his soul raped, tortured, and tormented for eternity? Yes. Do I applaud the actions of those who do all they can in trying to highlight his crimes and bring him to justice? Of course. Everyone does. And here's where I get annoyed:
When these things blow up on the net all I can see is the mindlessness by which these phenomena spread like wildfire. This is great when you are trying to merely spread awareness. Like if there is an outbreak of the monkey virus and you need to duct tape your windows to keep from getting it. What's not great is that most people only bother to learn about an issue when it's trending on twitter then act as if it's a mission sent from directly from God to them, and they must convert everyone by posting it on their wall and getting all up in my business. Fact is 90% of these assholes won't remember what fucking country Joseph Kony terrorizes in 2 weeks. They'll go back into whatever cyber-catatonic state they live in and will be bothering me about another cause they really, truly don't care about.
Folks, I don't know what difference this campaign will make. If their goal is only to raise awareness, Invisible Children has accomplished that tenfold. If this awareness leads to pressure on the international community to bring Kony to justice - President Obama made it a priority months ago, even commiting US troops and no one said a fucking thing. Here's a link with a Rush Limbaugh bashing bonus http://mediamatters.org/blog/201203070006 - then the people behind Invisible Children deserve the Nobel Peace prize, a chapter in every history book detailing their achievement, and a three month orgy with every model in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But if this campaign is to bring awareness to the Invisible Children organization in order to raise them money so they can make more heartbreaking videos and only spend 32% of that money towards services that directly benefit those they advocate on behalf of - http://c2052482.r82.cf0.rackcdn.com/images/737/original/FY11-Audited%20Financial%20Statements.pdf?1320205055 - then I WOULD RATHER SEE THE INTERNET RALLY BEHIND OTHER GROUPS THAT ARE MORE EFFICIENT. That's it. That's my distorted reasoning and why I can't get behind them 100%.
This may make me a complete asshole, I understand that. I hope I'm just a cynical douchebag and, because of this 30 minute video, a terrible person gets what he deserves and Invisible Children gets richly deserved accolades and satisfaction of truly changing the world for the better. That is my preferred ending. But if not, if my skepticism proves true and the world forgets and jumps on board the next trendy cause without accomplishing anything, do me a solid and leave me out of it. I've got a printer that isn't going to plug itself in.
It is through this distorted, mangled lens that I view the Kony campaign. Do I believe that Joseph Kony is a horrid excuse for a human being that should be doomed to the 12 circles of hell and have his soul raped, tortured, and tormented for eternity? Yes. Do I applaud the actions of those who do all they can in trying to highlight his crimes and bring him to justice? Of course. Everyone does. And here's where I get annoyed:
When these things blow up on the net all I can see is the mindlessness by which these phenomena spread like wildfire. This is great when you are trying to merely spread awareness. Like if there is an outbreak of the monkey virus and you need to duct tape your windows to keep from getting it. What's not great is that most people only bother to learn about an issue when it's trending on twitter then act as if it's a mission sent from directly from God to them, and they must convert everyone by posting it on their wall and getting all up in my business. Fact is 90% of these assholes won't remember what fucking country Joseph Kony terrorizes in 2 weeks. They'll go back into whatever cyber-catatonic state they live in and will be bothering me about another cause they really, truly don't care about.
Folks, I don't know what difference this campaign will make. If their goal is only to raise awareness, Invisible Children has accomplished that tenfold. If this awareness leads to pressure on the international community to bring Kony to justice - President Obama made it a priority months ago, even commiting US troops and no one said a fucking thing. Here's a link with a Rush Limbaugh bashing bonus http://mediamatters.org/blog/201203070006 - then the people behind Invisible Children deserve the Nobel Peace prize, a chapter in every history book detailing their achievement, and a three month orgy with every model in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But if this campaign is to bring awareness to the Invisible Children organization in order to raise them money so they can make more heartbreaking videos and only spend 32% of that money towards services that directly benefit those they advocate on behalf of - http://c2052482.r82.cf0.rackcdn.com/images/737/original/FY11-Audited%20Financial%20Statements.pdf?1320205055 - then I WOULD RATHER SEE THE INTERNET RALLY BEHIND OTHER GROUPS THAT ARE MORE EFFICIENT. That's it. That's my distorted reasoning and why I can't get behind them 100%.
This may make me a complete asshole, I understand that. I hope I'm just a cynical douchebag and, because of this 30 minute video, a terrible person gets what he deserves and Invisible Children gets richly deserved accolades and satisfaction of truly changing the world for the better. That is my preferred ending. But if not, if my skepticism proves true and the world forgets and jumps on board the next trendy cause without accomplishing anything, do me a solid and leave me out of it. I've got a printer that isn't going to plug itself in.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Awards Season aka Cool, Something Else In the Mail to Look Forward to Season
As a full fledged, full paying member of the Screen Actors Guild, this month I will be voting on the SAG awards. This will be my first year doing so, and folks boy am I excited. Not because I am in any way, shape, form or galaxy close to being up for anything anytime soon (I'm pretty sure the Razzies only do Film, and Film ain't exactly lighting up my phone). Not because I like award shows themselves (although a commercial I was in did air during the Oscars 2 years ago, so Suck it Streep!). I find them remarkably self indulgent, over the top and pompous (unless Gervais is hosting, then it's only slightly less all of those). I am excited, friends, because of the tiny bit of satisfaction I get at feeling like a part of the club.
You see, I start getting these envelopes in the mail. About 9 x 12, Manilla sealed with tape sent from Studios and Production Companies. Some padded some not, containing DVDs and a poster pretty much begging for me to consider voting for their film, their actor or their productions teams. These envelopes are very similar to the countless envelopes I have sent to Agents, Managers, Casting Directos and Producers containing a headshot, begging for an opportunity to join the ranks. It's a small bit of indulgent satisfaction, the feeling I get from controlling a tiny, microscopic stock in their game for prestige and gobs and gobs of money. It's nice. Now the mail isn't just home to the bills, junk, ads that keep pouring in or the far fewer but conversally awesome residual checks. Now I get little presents from the big shots, as they unload millions of dollars into a process that pads both budgets and egos, and at the same time doesn't necesarrily recognize the best work this industry puts out.
It's a weird, confusing game. But I'm glad to have my tiny part in it. So to all the folks with power and shows who send me these DVDs and have made it possible for me to receive them at all by hiring me, my DVD acceptance speach is brief:
Thanks.
You see, I start getting these envelopes in the mail. About 9 x 12, Manilla sealed with tape sent from Studios and Production Companies. Some padded some not, containing DVDs and a poster pretty much begging for me to consider voting for their film, their actor or their productions teams. These envelopes are very similar to the countless envelopes I have sent to Agents, Managers, Casting Directos and Producers containing a headshot, begging for an opportunity to join the ranks. It's a small bit of indulgent satisfaction, the feeling I get from controlling a tiny, microscopic stock in their game for prestige and gobs and gobs of money. It's nice. Now the mail isn't just home to the bills, junk, ads that keep pouring in or the far fewer but conversally awesome residual checks. Now I get little presents from the big shots, as they unload millions of dollars into a process that pads both budgets and egos, and at the same time doesn't necesarrily recognize the best work this industry puts out.
It's a weird, confusing game. But I'm glad to have my tiny part in it. So to all the folks with power and shows who send me these DVDs and have made it possible for me to receive them at all by hiring me, my DVD acceptance speach is brief:
Thanks.
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