Pride and Predisposition to Heart Disease

I lost a battle today friends. I'm a guy who doesn't have a ton of pride. It's a sin. Perhaps the most deadly of the Deadly. So I tend to hold dear the few principles and accomplishments I do place meaning in. So today hurts. Because today I failed to uphold one basic, just, and valued principle. I made myself a hypocrite and broke a vow I made to myself the last time I wiped whatever the fuck is in a Steak Chalupa out of my beard and onto a cheap, paper like napkin covered in hot sauce.
I ate at Taco Bell and it hurts.
Not just my somewhat fragile and now thundering digestive system. My pride. I had thought I had moved past fast food. It's awful for you and I'm a guy fighting genetics and gluttony hard enough as it is. But apparently I'm an idiot and Taco Bell knows it. Or at least their Marketing Army does. (Seriously, they have an army. Here's the first page of the Marketing Division's directory http://www.jigsaw.com/id237339_d20/taco_bell_inc_marketing_business_contacts.xhtml)
They know I'm an idiot because they developed a product that every fat kid born since 1980 couldn't/t possibly resist.
The Doritos' shelled Taco.

                                                    Fuck You Taco Bell.

When I first saw a commercial for this godforsaken abomination of sodium stuffed mastery, I knew I was done. The perfect fat kid/stoner/fat stoner concoction of devilry. A combination of flavors so familiar and enticing that just thinking about them fires off more pleasure receptors in my brain (the science! http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-10-16-obesity-gene_N.htm) than the thought of Alison Brie giving me a lap dance in a bacon bikini. Ok, a regular bikini. But a near nude, full contact lap dance nonetheless. I don't know how many of these they have sold, but I cannot think of anything they have put on the menu at any Yum! brand "restaurant"which has gotten me into a KFC, Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. This was a coup. They got me. I ate one. My wife ate two, but with beans instead of meat because she has a little respect for herself and tries not to eat recycled fertilizer.
If you're wondering how it was, I'll just say that you will enjoy the Taco as much as you anticipate it.If you have issues like mine, you'll wonder what took them so long and love it. If you are just trying it to try it, then it's just a bright orange taco(insert Snooki joke here).
This is melodrama, yes. But reality based melodrama. I judge myself by the few standards I keep. I'm going back to keeping my "no fast food": promise. At least till Wienershnitzel and Fritos get together.
They say that Satan's deadliest vice was Pride. I don't know if that's true, but I know one thing for certain. Taco Bell knows which sin sells tacos.
It's Gluttony.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS A VAMPIRE!!!

As some of you may know already, I'm a bit of a geek. Little did I know, but me being a geek may have saved humankind's very existence on this planet. For you see gang, perhaps my most geeky and obscure habit is collecting ads out of old Time Magazines. This hobby brings me great joy and makes my house smell like a decaying cake flavored scratch-and-sniff sticker (which may explain the great joy). Regardless of why I collect these treasures, my doing so has provided a discovery which may shatter what we think we know about life as we think we know what we know it.
Neil Patrick Harris. Is. A. Vampire.
That's right. Nosferatu. A creature of the night. It's the only way to explain why society finds him endlessly charming and can't help but want him in our houses. BECAUSE HE WANTS IT THAT  WAY.
I know what you're thinking. "Chris, what would make you say such outlandish balderdash?"
My answer?

This is taken from one of my previously mentioned old-ass-cake-smelling Time Magazines dated January 13, 1958; a full FIFTEEN YEARS before NPH was supposedly "born".

BAM! That's right. Neil Patrick Harris isn't who he seems. I call him Reswoheigood, which sounds like what an evil, hilariously goofy and handsome vampire should be called. And he wants to sword fight.
 Now, friends, we know already that Nic Cage is a godforesaken bloodsucker. And we know from the "Twilight"documentary films that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (although no one really needs proof for those two) are as well. This new evidence can only lead me to believe that amongst me - as I live, play, and (work?) in Hollywood - are multitudes of evil neck biters waiting to pounce. Some may pose as comical yet dignified and downright sexy Gods of Entertainment, while others just call themselves Nic Cage.
Please, loyal twitter friends and anyone else with enough time on their hands to read this: If I am to disappear DO NOT FORGET MY WARNINGS! Prepare yourself for the oncoming vampire plagues!
And to my wife, never forget this: If you come home one night to a dark house and Neil Patrick Harris is there sucking on my neck, thank you for rescuing me from what was totally a vampire. No matter how politely he leaves.

KONY 2012 and why it bothers me.

Being a cynical person can be a lonely existence. Such is the case for me amongst this whole Kony 2012 campaign. First of all, twitter peeps, this has nothing to do with the fact I sometimes appear on TV. TV may be the only reason why I have as many people follow me as I do, but I've had these same feelings about many viral causes that have come and gone dating back to when I was filleting Albacore and selling shoes for money. The only difference now is that I can make a lot more people despise me. I'm a guy who hates getting invitations through facebook, generally can't stand social media's attempt to make me build a virtual farm, slaughterhouse, or castle, and loathes when the masses gather around a cause most never bothered to learn anything about until it was all over the goddamned Internet and their favorite celebrity chef retweeted it.
It is through this distorted, mangled lens that I view the Kony campaign. Do I believe that Joseph Kony is a horrid excuse for a human being that should be doomed to the 12 circles of hell and have his soul raped, tortured, and tormented for eternity? Yes. Do I applaud the actions of those who do all they can in trying to highlight his crimes and bring him to justice? Of course. Everyone does. And here's where I get annoyed:
When these things blow up on the net all I can see is the mindlessness by which these phenomena spread like wildfire. This is great when you are trying to merely spread awareness. Like if there is an outbreak of the monkey virus and you need to duct tape your windows to keep from getting it. What's not great is that most people only bother to learn about an issue when it's trending on twitter then act as if it's a mission sent from directly from God to them, and they must convert everyone by posting it on their wall and getting all up in my business. Fact is 90% of these assholes won't remember what fucking country Joseph Kony terrorizes in 2 weeks. They'll go back into whatever cyber-catatonic state they live in and will be bothering me about another cause they really, truly don't care about.
Folks, I don't know what difference this campaign will make. If their goal is only to raise awareness, Invisible Children has accomplished that tenfold. If this awareness leads to pressure on the international community to bring Kony to justice - President Obama made it a priority months ago, even commiting US troops and no one said a fucking thing.  Here's a link with a Rush Limbaugh bashing bonus http://mediamatters.org/blog/201203070006 - then the people behind Invisible Children deserve the Nobel Peace prize, a chapter in every history book detailing their achievement, and a three month orgy with every model in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But if this campaign is to bring awareness to the Invisible Children organization in order to raise them money so they can make more heartbreaking videos and only spend 32% of that money towards services that directly benefit those they advocate on behalf of - http://c2052482.r82.cf0.rackcdn.com/images/737/original/FY11-Audited%20Financial%20Statements.pdf?1320205055 - then I WOULD RATHER SEE THE INTERNET RALLY BEHIND OTHER GROUPS THAT ARE MORE EFFICIENT. That's it. That's my distorted reasoning and why I can't get behind them 100%.
This may make me a complete asshole, I understand that. I hope I'm just a cynical douchebag and, because of this 30 minute video, a terrible person gets what he deserves and Invisible Children gets richly deserved accolades and satisfaction of truly changing the world for the better. That is my preferred ending. But if not, if my skepticism proves true and the world forgets and jumps on board the next trendy cause without accomplishing anything, do me a solid and leave me out of it. I've got a printer that isn't going to plug itself in.