Neil Patrick Harris. Is. A. Vampire.
That's right. Nosferatu. A creature of the night. It's the only way to explain why society finds him endlessly charming and can't help but want him in our houses. BECAUSE HE WANTS IT THAT WAY.
I know what you're thinking. "Chris, what would make you say such outlandish balderdash?"
BAM! That's right. Neil Patrick Harris isn't who he seems. I call him Reswoheigood, which sounds like what an evil, hilariously goofy and handsome vampire should be called. And he wants to sword fight.
Now, friends, we know already that Nic Cage is a godforesaken bloodsucker. And we know from the "Twilight"documentary films that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (although no one really needs proof for those two) are as well. This new evidence can only lead me to believe that amongst me - as I live, play, and (work?) in Hollywood - are multitudes of evil neck biters waiting to pounce. Some may pose as comical yet dignified and downright sexy Gods of Entertainment, while others just call themselves Nic Cage.
Please, loyal twitter friends and anyone else with enough time on their hands to read this: If I am to disappear DO NOT FORGET MY WARNINGS! Prepare yourself for the oncoming vampire plagues!
And to my wife, never forget this: If you come home one night to a dark house and Neil Patrick Harris is there sucking on my neck, thank you for rescuing me from what was totally a vampire. No matter how politely he leaves.