I ate at Taco Bell and it hurts.
Not just my somewhat fragile and now thundering digestive system. My pride. I had thought I had moved past fast food. It's awful for you and I'm a guy fighting genetics and gluttony hard enough as it is. But apparently I'm an idiot and Taco Bell knows it. Or at least their Marketing Army does. (Seriously, they have an army. Here's the first page of the Marketing Division's directory http://www.jigsaw.com/id237339_d20/taco_bell_inc_marketing_business_contacts.xhtml)
They know I'm an idiot because they developed a product that every fat kid born since 1980 couldn't/t possibly resist.
The Doritos' shelled Taco.
Fuck You Taco Bell.
When I first saw a commercial for this godforsaken abomination of sodium stuffed mastery, I knew I was done. The perfect fat kid/stoner/fat stoner concoction of devilry. A combination of flavors so familiar and enticing that just thinking about them fires off more pleasure receptors in my brain (the science! http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-10-16-obesity-gene_N.htm) than the thought of Alison Brie giving me a lap dance in a bacon bikini. Ok, a regular bikini. But a near nude, full contact lap dance nonetheless. I don't know how many of these they have sold, but I cannot think of anything they have put on the menu at any Yum! brand "restaurant"which has gotten me into a KFC, Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. This was a coup. They got me. I ate one. My wife ate two, but with beans instead of meat because she has a little respect for herself and tries not to eat recycled fertilizer.
If you're wondering how it was, I'll just say that you will enjoy the Taco as much as you anticipate it.If you have issues like mine, you'll wonder what took them so long and love it. If you are just trying it to try it, then it's just a bright orange taco(insert Snooki joke here).
This is melodrama, yes. But reality based melodrama. I judge myself by the few standards I keep. I'm going back to keeping my "no fast food": promise. At least till Wienershnitzel and Fritos get together.
They say that Satan's deadliest vice was Pride. I don't know if that's true, but I know one thing for certain. Taco Bell knows which sin sells tacos.
It's Gluttony.
The day that Weinerschnitzel introduces Frito Pie, I will come to your house, pick you up, drive to the magical yellow-roofed wonderland where we will dine like kings. I'll even pay.
ReplyDeleteAs a Husky pants kid who is juicing right now trying to get this pudge off. I WANT Taco Bell to explode in a firey flatulant induced hellfire!
ReplyDeleteHey Chris,
ReplyDeleteI'm just a fan that reads everything that is posted from Twitter and today you and Kurt have touched on something that needs to be addressed.
I had to erase everything I typed to you because it was very long and well, I don't want to bore you with my long history of childhood heart disease.
All I can say is we are human and temptations is the way the devil to have us loose faith in ourselves and in anything else that you believe in. I have fell into temptations many times but not as bad as I did when I was growing up. My friends always tell me that I would be a great guest speaker for children who are overweight and are looking at heart disease. I wasn't overweight when I was diagnosed but I am overweight now but it's very hard to loose weight. Most women say that it's from their pregnancy and have it for years and years but it's not, it's from poor healthy lifestyle choices and I am a victim of that just like many people in America.
My daughter who is 6 years old feels kind of punished at times. My husband was diagnosed with juvenille diabetes and me with my childhood heart disease. She is very healthy but that's because we watch what she puts in her body. She was not introduced to pop (soda) until the age 4 and it was only Sprite or 7 -up. When she was 5 her grandma allowed her to have Pepsi which made me very upset but can't protect them from everything or everyone. She sees a lot of her friends at school having candy, chips or pop in their lunches when she has her protein, dairy, fruit, veggie and whole grain. You are probably thinking WOW that is strict. Once a month she is allowed to go with her grandma to a fastfood restraunt. She does have a can of rootbeer once in a while and every night as a treat she gets one piece of chocolate if she eats her dinner. We do allow her to indulge but we want her to be very healthy and active. She is in her 3rd year of dance (tap and jazz), 1st year of Soccer (just registered her), 2nd year of Girl Scouts and she is always dancing,singing,jumping from furniture to furniture... plays outside, takes walks/hikes, swims, loves her trampoline.
However, as for me... I have been watching what I eat put myself on my daughters diet that I have made for her. No pop for me anymore it is the death of me :) Less eating out, more home cooked organic foods and exercising by walking, jogging and some dancing (which I'm not that flexible).
I just wish you the best with what you do. It's not easy and I can understand that even with the living with the heart disease already. Just take one day at a time and if you fail at your plan just try pick yourself back up and try even harder. Once in a while you have to treat yourself but don't over do it.