I lost a battle today friends. I'm a guy who doesn't have a ton of pride. It's a sin. Perhaps the most deadly of the Deadly. So I tend to hold dear the few principles and accomplishments I do place meaning in. So today hurts. Because today I failed to uphold one basic, just, and valued principle. I made myself a hypocrite and broke a vow I made to myself the last time I wiped whatever the fuck is in a Steak Chalupa out of my beard and onto a cheap, paper like napkin covered in hot sauce.
I ate at Taco Bell and it hurts.
Not just my somewhat fragile and now thundering digestive system. My pride. I had thought I had moved past fast food. It's awful for you and I'm a guy fighting genetics and gluttony hard enough as it is. But apparently I'm an idiot and Taco Bell knows it. Or at least their Marketing Army does. (Seriously, they have an army. Here's the first page of the Marketing Division's directory http://www.jigsaw.com/id237339_d20/taco_bell_inc_marketing_business_contacts.xhtml)
They know I'm an idiot because they developed a product that every fat kid born since 1980 couldn't/t possibly resist.
The Doritos' shelled Taco.
Fuck You Taco Bell.
When I first saw a commercial for this godforsaken abomination of sodium stuffed mastery, I knew I was done. The perfect fat kid/stoner/fat stoner concoction of devilry. A combination of flavors so familiar and enticing that just thinking about them fires off more pleasure receptors in my brain (the science! http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-10-16-obesity-gene_N.htm) than the thought of Alison Brie giving me a lap dance in a bacon bikini. Ok, a regular bikini. But a near nude, full contact lap dance nonetheless. I don't know how many of these they have sold, but I cannot think of anything they have put on the menu at any Yum! brand "restaurant"which has gotten me into a KFC, Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. This was a coup. They got me. I ate one. My wife ate two, but with beans instead of meat because she has a little respect for herself and tries not to eat recycled fertilizer.
If you're wondering how it was, I'll just say that you will enjoy the Taco as much as you anticipate it.If you have issues like mine, you'll wonder what took them so long and love it. If you are just trying it to try it, then it's just a bright orange taco(insert Snooki joke here).
This is melodrama, yes. But reality based melodrama. I judge myself by the few standards I keep. I'm going back to keeping my "no fast food": promise. At least till Wienershnitzel and Fritos get together.
They say that Satan's deadliest vice was Pride. I don't know if that's true, but I know one thing for certain. Taco Bell knows which sin sells tacos.